Stochastic Stories

Once upon a time there was a bishop called Nicholas, whose diocese was a city called Myra in Asia Minor, which is now Turkey. He became famous for his generosity at Christmas, and one festive season he heard of an old man who lived alone far out of town. His flock warned him not to go near, as this person had a fearsome reputation and was never seen in the daytime, but Nicholas was determined to visit him. So off he set one dark evening with a basket of goodies.

When he knocked at the door of the gloomy mansion it eventually creaked open and there stood a tall gaunt figure dressed in black, brushing dirt from his clothes.

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“Merry Christmas!” said Nicholas cheerily, “I’ve brought you some festive goodies to celebrate this joyous time!”

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“I have no need of your goodies” said the dark figure, “I neither eat nor drink. You see, I am a vampire.”

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“Even so, you must take something to brighten up the Christmas season!”

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“Go away!” said the vampire, “I shan’t warn you again.”

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“No. I’m staying till you take the basket!”

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The vampire suddenly lunged at Nicholas and sank his sharp fangs into the bishop’s neck. Then he leaped back and slammed the door in his face.

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“I’m afraid he hasn’t got the Christmas spirit” muttered Nicholas as he sadly turned for home. When he got back he began to feel very strange and soon collapsed into a coma. They sent for doctors, who pronounced him dead, and the bishop was buried in a magnificent tomb with great ceremony. In honour of his reputation for generosity, the Church shortly afterwards canonised him and he became Saint Nicholas.

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When the bishop woke up he found himself narrowly confined within a coffin. With superhuman strength he shattered the lid and stood up. He was in a pitch-dark vaulted tomb but found he could still see very well. He went to the locked door, turned to a vapour and insinuated himself through a tiny crack. Outside it was night, and he stood by his tomb to take stock.

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It occurred to Nicholas that things were a bit odd. If he was in a coffin, he must be dead. But how had he burst out of the coffin and squeezed himself through a minute crack? The answer was pretty obvious – he had become a vampire. For the rest of that night he experimented with his new powers before returning to his tomb before daylight.

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He lay in his coffin and mulled over what he had learned. He could squeeze through tiny openings and had superhuman strength. He could turn himself into other creatures, such as a bat or a wolf, or even (he had discovered) a flying pig. Most amazing of all, he could be in two (or even more) places at the same time.

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He expected to feel a strong compulsion to go out and drink human blood, but that didn’t happen. Instead he felt an overwhelming urge to go in secret and give presents to those who deserved it. Now he could indulge it, and every night Nicholas went out, raided the warehouses of rich and corrupt merchants, and left secret presents at the homes of the deserving poor.

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But eventually he came to realise that the world was full of deserving people, and to reach them all he needed help. So he set off to contact other vampires like himself, and to persuade them to join with him. His magnetic personality and persuasive speech (honed by many years in the pulpit) soon gathered him a band of vampiric disciples. They met in a castle in Transylvania where an undead prince of that region had his lair. His followers were amused to discover that he had been canonised, and began to use ‘Santa’ as a nickname for him.

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Santa opened the meeting. “We have several issues to solve. The first is to find a base which is secure, safe from humans and out of the sun. The second is to decide on how we obtain the gifts we want to distribute. The third is who we want to distribute them to, and the fourth is how we do the distribution.”

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After some discussion, Prince Vlad summarised the feeling of the meeting: “Our ideal location is at the North Pole, which is free from humans and in permanent darkness for half the year. The rest of the year we need to migrate to an alternative base at the South Pole. My friends and I have discovered how to transform base metal into gold, so we can buy all the gifts we need through shell companies. We agree that children are the most innocent of humans, so we shall focus our gift-giving on them. The process of distribution requires further study.”

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So it was agreed. They set up bases at the North and South Poles, and then Santa stated that he would like all the gift distribution to take place on Christmas Eve, because of his religious roots. That would be possible, he insisted, as he had the power to be in multiple places at the same time, provided he could rest the other days of the year.

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The problem of distribution was solved using sledges, ideally adapted for North Pole operations. They would need to be drawn using flying creatures, to cover the whole earth. At first the use of bats was suggested, as vampires are experts at transforming into bats. But Santa vetoed this suggestion, as being inconsistent with the ethos of the project and likely to scare the kids. After much practice some of the vampires managed to transform themselves to flying reindeer, which seemed to fit the corporate profile much better.

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Those vampires not on reindeer or money-laundering duties transformed themselves into jolly elves and constantly practised changing their evil leers and blood-curdling cries into jolly smiles and happy chuckles. In the 1930s Santa saw an advertisement for Coca-Cola which portrayed him in a red outfit with a long white beard and whiskers – an outfit which he immediately adopted. The whiskers helped to hide his pointed teeth as well.

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In time the distribution centre at the North Pole was set up and operational, with a satellite base at the South Pole for summer. On Christmas Eve Santa would set off with his team of flying vampire-reindeer, shuttling back and forth in time so much that millions of him were in different places at the same time, passing through the slightest crack into houses and leaving presents for the children there.

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Before Christmas Santa would like to get himself (or his multiple selves) jobs in department stores, where he could have personal contact with his customers, in place of the pale imitations that would often impersonate him. After Christmas he and his helpers would have a long rest in their coffins deep under the North Pole.

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So now you know the true history of Santa Claus. If you ever happen to meet him, be nice to him and never, ever, say “My, Santa, what big teeth you’ve got!”

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(Painting in acrylic of Pohutakawas - New Zealand Christmas blossom)